Know what pisses me off more than a patient lying to me?

That they think I believe them.

Here's a tip:  Don't lie to your nurse.

There's not a single good reason to ever lie to your nurse.  Especially in the ER.  If you're lying for nefarious reasons (i.e., scamming for drugs), we'll probably find you out.  If you're lying because you're embarrassed,  you may be eliminating important information that may keep you safe. 

Either way, if it's easily verifiable or you just can't keep your story straight?  You're just gonna look like a moron.

Case in point:

Me (to patient who is currently text-messaging): So, if 0 is nothing and 10 is the WORST pain you have EVER felt, what number is your pain right now?

Patient (quickly glancing up at me): Oh, 10.

Me: This is the worst pain you have ever felt?

Patient: Yes.

Me: Have you had a baby?

Patient: Yeah

Me: And this is worse than your labor?

Patient: Oh, yes.

Ok.  I move on to the rest of my assessment, which, as this is a female, includes pregnancy history. 

Me: How many times have you been pregnant?

Patient: 3

Me: And how many of those did you carry to term?

Patient: None.  I've had 3 abortions.

Um...

Also, if your pain is 10/10 and you either ask for food, for the remote or how long until you get discharged?  These will all be included in your pain assessment.

But, if you do manage to convince the doc to give you narcotics and I ask (prior to administrating said narcotics) if you have someone to drive you home, do. not. lie.

If someone doesn't come to the room to walk out with you as your ride home, I have and will have security follow you to the parking lot and report your license to the police if you get behind the wheel.  I don't want my next patient to be the poor slob you crashed into.

And for the record?  I automatically don't believe any of the following:

"I was just standing around minding my own business."  (said by every single patient that was awake who had been shot, stabbed or beaten)

"I have no idea how that got in there"

"I've only had two beers"

or?

"I'm allergic to Toradol, Tramadol, Ibuprofen, Tylenol..." eventually "everything except Dilaudid" is really what you're saying. 

Whatever you have to say to the ER nurse, trust me, you are NOT the first one to say it.  Good, bad or indifferent. 

So, do us both a favor and just tell me the truth.