Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Oh, NOW I get it!

I haven't posted much political stuff lately, and will largely refrain in future, but this resonated for me.

So, I'm actually just sharing someone else's blog.

This doesn't apply to every left leaning person, but to too many.

"Truth is that which serves the party." The capital-R revolution was such a good, it could eliminate all that was bad, that manipulating facts was not even a venial sin; it was a good. If you want to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. One of those eggs was objective truth."
This part I have determined for myself.  Truth is meaningless, feelings and good intentions are everything for a certain element of the left.
But, the following was a revelation and finally explains something that I have never understood: the disconnect folks have when the current president is doing the same and worse as the previous president and yet they refuse to acknowledge it:
"messages in this left-wing forum publicly announced that they did what they did every day, from voting to attending a rally to planning a life, because they wanted to destroy something, and because they hated someone, rather than because they wanted to build something, or because they loved someone. You went to an anti-war rally because you hated Bush, not because you loved peace. Thus, when Obama bombed, you didn't hold any anti-war rally, because you didn't hate Obama."

Most conservatives I know will quickly agree that W signed every spending bill that was put in front of him and will objectively review his bad decisions.  Anyone who reads this who loves the current president, please name one thing that he has done with which you deeply disagree.  I'll wait here.

If you are reading this, and you lean left and your immediate reaction was to mentally call me names, read the attached blog again.

I think it bears thinking  about.

It actually makes me rethink my own positions to ensure that I'm coming from a place of building and improving and not hating. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

I'm not really digging this revelation

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” 
 John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Grief does not change you, it reveals you...
Well, hell.

So, when Pop died, I felt broken.  But, in not too long a time, a year, two maybe, I was able to learn to cherish the memories and push the sadness down so that it wasn't the overriding feeling.

And, it hasn't been such a long time since she died.  Just a few months.  So, maybe I'm expecting too much.  But, I'm sick of being Debbie Downer. 

Being in Colorado, with my Colorado Peeps, minus was hard.  It was meant to be all about celebrating the happy, long marriage of a couple of our friends, and it WAS about that.  But, I felt her absence so acutely. 

I drank too much at the vow renewal reception and did a whole Granny Gert Ugly Drunk Cry.  Thankfully, not anywhere where the bride knew about it.  Publicly, I was just the friend who got tipsy and everybody laughs and a few shake their heads.  I was trying to celebrate.

But, just now, I was walking Cookie, on a perfectly lovely evening and I haven't touched a drop, and I started doing an uncontrolled ugly cry.

Now, it probably doesn't help that I'm currently reading The Fault in Our Stars.  I keep wondering what she was really thinking at the end.  She kept up such a cheerful countenance, until the very end when pain and probably the knowledge that she was really losing caused her to lash out at those who were there with her.

I've been having a rather rough go of it and I keep trying to just push the sadness into the background again, but it just doesn't seem to want to go.  It's all wrapped up with this anger that I keep having, anger at her, anger at the cancer, anger that I no longer have someone who will text me goofy, random stuff and call me so we can talk on our respective drives home from work.  Nearly daily conversations and/or messages for two plus years just stopped.  And I feel robbed.

And, I wonder if I was a good enough friend.  I keep flashing on a conversation we had the last time I actually got to see her.  I'd gone to Denver to go to a speakeasy themed party as her date and one night we were talking about her frustrations with various people and how they related to her and her illness.  She didn't want to be "the chick with cancer".  This is part of my anger with her, btw, because this need on her part to not be viewed as her disease caused her to omit and even outright lie at the end so that no one would realize how bad it really was. 

My medical experience made it difficult for me to deny how sick she obviously was.  Still, I tried to go along with her program. 

But, that night, as we were talking about how she disliked it that some folks could only look at her and think, "cancer", I said something to the effect of, "Right, I mean, damn, so you have cancer.  YOU arent't the cancer. You're just Erica.  We're all going to die of something."

We looked at each other and there was a split second of acknowledgement before I said, "Not that I'm saying you're going to die..."

She made a joke and we moved on.

But, I always wonder if she felt betrayed by me in that moment. 

And, I wonder, a lot lately, what grief is revealing about me.  Am I just a weak, weepy jerk?  Because that's what I feel like lately.  I feel like I'm dishonoring her by feeling so sad so much of the time.  But, I just don't know how to not be sad, sometimes.

I'll keep working on focusing on the joy that is available in life, and there is a lot of it.  I'll keep loving the people in my life and being grateful for their love.

And, I'll keep trying to live up to her memory.


Sunday, July 6, 2014

Life is beautiful

Cookie and I are settled in now.  Enjoying life in Baltimore, enjoying working at Hopkins (well, Cookie isn't working at Hopkins...).

I started at Hopkins with a group of 9 other travelers and there was another group of 4 travelers who started a couple weeks before us.  Several of us have sort of bonded and we have had some good times on our days off and have plans for some other fun downtime activities coming up.


And, Cookie and I have had some other adventures on our own.  We've been hiking

and checking out the city and some of the cool things it has to offer.  This weekend (July 4th weekend) there were tons of people at the Inner Harbor area, and even though the coworker I'd planned to meet got sick and backed out, I had a good time just wandering around, people watching, feeling like I was part of a community.

Now, I'm floating on the euphoria of knowing that I'll be back west, if only briefly, in just a few days and I'll get to sleep in the same bed with my husband and get to hang out with my CO peeps.

Last time I was in Denver, it was decidedly sad and somber.  I'm very much looking forward to celebrating, celebrating the happy, long marriage of my friends (they are having the big wedding they didn't get to have originally) and just enjoy each other's company, spending a couple days at the home of our friends Brunhilde and the original Paulie D before the big party.

I'm about to enjoy the gorgeous early evening sunshine as I walk down to the lightrail and head off to another mellow shift at work with great people.  And, appropriately for a Sunday, give thanks and praise to God for my blessed life.